When I look back over the past decade, I can’t help but fall to my knees in awe of what the Lord has done.
If I want to get seriously technical, I’ve been a single mom twice. I was married at 18, had two children, then divorced right after Anslee was born in 2007. I remarried when she was 2; he adopted her and Ky, then we had a third together–Adilynne. We started the divorce before her first birthday, and I haven’t remarried since. She is now twelve years old.
Just typing that still makes me grimace. I never thought that would be my story. This is incredibly vulnerable for me to share, so please read on with grace:
When I fell for a handsome older guy at 17, I thought we’d share a forever story as we raised our family differently than the way we grew up. We planned our future on the foundation of our teenage “love at first sight”, and when life distracted us, our plans crumbled. I won’t broadcast their father’s involvement in our reasons for divorce, but I will say that I had no idea what love in a marriage was. I barely knew myself, and truly cared more about having children than having a family. I wanted to do it “better” than my parents, but only wanted things my way. I thought I was encouraging my husband to be the best version of himself, but I did so with pressure and expectations. When I was let down, I’d either keep it all inside or blow up and try to leave. We were so toxic for each other as we never worked out our deep hurts. Hurt people, hurt people, and we were hurting each other and ourselves terribly.
I left, with the court’s permission, with Ky and Anslee after she was stabilized from the G-tube surgery. We moved to Florida and into my dad’s cramped living quarters. That was the first time I had ever lived with my father, and I was still very equipped to pretend like everything was okay. It wasn’t, of course, so I rushed off to try to find a suitable husband/stepfather to rebuild my family again. Ky had to be my helper, changing feeding tubes and holding extra bags. He carried more responsibility than he needed. Keeping up with Anslee’s appointments and full-time work was quite a bit to juggle. I ignored my own health issues because other things were more important–like finding someone so that I wasn’t alone, but also because they deserved a “family”.
I was swept off my feet by another handsome guy, building a future world for “Team Unbreakable” based on his promises. However, that world turned out to be paper mâché and melted away as soon as life got stormy. We had so many issues in ways too lengthy for this post. We had a good life on paper: good jobs, nice home and cars, and served in our church, but it was all terribly superficial. Again, I won’t share his involvement, but I’ll say I still did not know the real value in marriage, didn’t learn the lesson about expectations, and thought his love could fill those deep holes in my heart. It couldn’t, even if he had been Prince Charming. I didn’t know how to nurture my own friendships or hobbies or encourage him to do the same. I needed my life to look better than it was, and I put more emphasis on that than actually making my life better. I was haughty and thought I had all the right coping skills now–habits and routines to take the place of all my reckless living like after my first divorce.
My health took a terrible turn in 2011. There were issues for years, but then I got diagnosed with lupus once wheelchair bound. We moved back in with my dad and experienced many more highs & lows. I learned then that I definitely didn’t learn better coping skills, because once I lost my job, my ability to drive or even walk, I spiraled hard. I still searched for love in all the wrong places. I felt no worth. I saw a very bleak hope for my future. I tried so hard to disguise my pain and make my children’s life fun and full of happy memories, but I struggled every single day. The generational curses were strong, and although I had plans to break them, I couldn’t figure out how. It felt like I made zero progress. My own mother was a single mom of three chasing love down all the wrong roads– it was hard to face that I was living the life I swore to myself I wouldn’t.
*Be careful of those inner vows! *
I had heard the stories and witnessed God’s love from people as a child, and I even attended church regularly-ish. I always thought I believed in God, and Jesus, but I didn’t understand enough to truly live by faith and walk in victory. I actually started mocking religion by 2014, but I felt something inside telling me there was more to it than what I understood.
On December 5, 2015, I surrendered to the One who never leaves. I submitted to Him and placed Him in the center and on the throne in my life.
Oh, how that simple act of obedience changed my story!
My eyes were opened to understanding through the obedience of laying my wrecked life at His feet and asking Him to make something out of it that can glorify Him. Psalm 111:10 teaches, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise.”
Submit & praise first; understand later.
At the end of December that year, I found out that the stage IV ovarian cancer went into remission. I don’t remember asking for that healing; I just remember saying I wanted to tell others about that radical warm embrace from Jesus. It didn’t matter that I didn’t ask. Just like the woman who was healed by faith when she touched the hem of His garment, or the woman at the well, He was generous to give me what I needed. For the longest, I still struggled to ask Him for things because I felt what He had already done was so great… To be fully transparent, I still rarely ask Him for anything except to lead me.
I can’t think of a single time that my idea was better than His. In all my efforts to break the unhealthy patterns in my family, I failed and caused more damage. The enemy seeks to kill, steal, and destroy and he comes for our children whether we are a perfect parent or normal one! We can try to fight off the world, but we will only end up fighting our children instead in our desperate clings for control. Trust me; I’ve done it.
It is a daily act of obedience to lay down my worry and take up faith that He can and will guide this family. But even when I lose focus, He doesn’t, and He’s gentle with the redirection.
If you’re a single parent (or just a parent in general!), I urge you to take some quiet time today to pray. Set aside your plans for your life, and simply submit. Don’t ask for answers so that you can plug them back into your formula for success. Truly submit to Him and watch in awe.
This song, “Run to the Father” by Cody Carnes has remained a staple on my worship playlist. Just like I wouldn’t care about how many times my own kids stumble, He just cares that you continue to run to Him!
“Father to the fatherless, defender of widows–this is God, whose dwelling is holy.” Psalms 68:5
More photos from that shoot that you can show some love at Yoel Figueroa (@thewayphotos) • Instagram photos and videos. This will be the photographer at the event we’re planning in June–more on that later!
