Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. This year as I scrolled through social media, I saw families coming together for a meal, some card/board games, tons of smiles and families traveling just to be together, and everyone finally having nice things to say about each other & life.
This year I watched as my youngest, Adi, picked through the food. I saw her “meh” face, and I remembered my own childhood Thanksgiving distaste.
I thought about my family in TN, and I tried to remember some fond childhood Thanksgiving memories. I remembered going to my maternal grandmother’s house for every holiday, and I wasn’t very fond of her to be honest (RIP). I remembered a year of sleeping through the holiday meal because I had a fever. I remembered hating the food. I remembered my mom losing her marbles over the chaos, about having the Macy’s Day Parade on, and about keeping the doors of our trailer open (keeping the kitchen cool for her but the rest of the house an icebox) while she cooked the donated food from the church. I remember some Thanksgivings with Mrs. Elrod and her extended family. I think she even took me to Alabama to visit her niece a few times.
I knew Thanksgiving was about being grateful, but I wasn’t much of that at all as a kid. I couldn’t understand why people liked the holiday.
Until one year I went back to school after the break, so thankful to see smiling faces. Our writing prompt was to tell about our holiday and what we were most grateful to have. Some people shared their entries. They talked about family coming in from out of state, or traveling to another state, and about games they played. They talked about decorating the tree together. I listened to their stories and wondered if they were lying.
“Do families actually enjoy each other?”, I wondered. I thought, “If Thanksgivings were like that at my house, maybe I’d like them.” I aimed to be that kind of family when I grew up. I was going to have decorations, fun & games, and music & laughs, and so many people!
I strived to be like Mrs. Elrod, and the folks at church, for when I had a family of my own.
Time passed, and life’s hardships created a different narrative than I had dreamed. The whole meal tradition kind of bypassed our family. As a single mother myself, I have been the recipient of a few thanksgiving meal packages from churches & schools, and I’ve attempted to cook them. I’m no fine chef, and before Pinterest was popular, I had to struggle to learn how to cook that dry bird. I learned later that many people learn their Thanksgiving recipes from family traditions. I didn’t know what kind of family recipe we had, other than preferring Stovetop over generic.
I would invite all my friends that became my “framily” but they all had families and traditions of their own. They would do a Friendsgiving on a separate day, but the actual DAY of Thanksgiving, everyone had plans. Sometimes I’d deny an invite to someone’s family gathering because I didn’t want to be intrusive (my own thoughts, not my friend’s). I didn’t talk to Mrs. Elrod for years as I struggled with my faith. I was embarrassed for her to know, so I isolated myself from the only family I felt accepted into.
I finally stopped trying to cook a full meal that my kids would enjoy, plus create some sort of holiday atmosphere, while planning my 2 kids’ birthdays in the first week of December, and keep my sanity. I decided it would be best that we just visit other families on the holiday and bring a dish. That meant that we weren’t always at the same house each year, so there goes “tradition”, but hopefully my kids wouldn’t remember the holiday as “The day we pray mom doesn’t snap”.
In 2015, the year I was in cancer treatment, was the only year I cooked a full meal from scratch. I did it just to prove I could, honestly. We had so much food leftover, and what’s even greater is that I was on a liquid diet at the time and couldn’t eat any of it! My dad isn’t much for the holidays, and the kids prefer box stuffing over homemade any day. A lot of it went to waste.
In 2017, I was back in TN for stroke rehab and was able to have a “family Thanksgiving” with my mom, her mom, my brother and his family, and my kids. It felt just as awkward as in childhood, but by then I was an adult that knew to show gratitude in any circumstance and tried my best to liven up the atmosphere.
(Do you ever feel like an outsider in your own family?)
In 2018, I came back to Florida and became friends with a family that has taken our family in as their own. These awesome people showed up for us in many different ways, but most of all, they welcome us for every holiday meal. We do not have to wonder where we are going for the day, and we’ve even set up their Christmas tree each year on Thanksgiving, just like I heard about from the kids at school back in the day!
I’m sure each one of my kids has a different perspective on the holiday, and I’m not sure any one of my kids is a super fan of Thanksgiving, still.
However, there’s something I noticed this year that warmed my heart more than any delicious meal.
Team Unbreakable, my kids and I, have created the family atmosphere that I dreamed of as a child. We joke with each other (sometimes too much!). We play games together at random times of the month. We do crafts together. We spend time with our friends and call them our cousins. We dance & sing. We get rambunctious.
What I heard about from others as a child during the holidays was what I wanted, and God gave it to me. He gave me so many families that taught me what I could have instead of the culture I grew up in. He carried me out of bad situations, and He taught me how to feel accepted by family.
He didn’t stop there. He gave me a passion in my heart to help other single parents that are struggling to find their village, their “Framily”. He has helped me form a plan for the nonprofit organization that encourages families to bond together, feel supported, and meet others who want the same things for their families. He has helped me articulate how important it is to keep creativity alive, and helped me find ways to spark a light of hope for others in dark times.
I’m so thankful for the memories I have & the ability to hand my hurt over to God, and with His Amazing Grace, watch as He allows me to build a life that glorifies His Name.
Romans 8:28 :
” And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.”
Our November tradition: taking family photos. (this was in 2018)
Our November tradition: taking family photos. (this was in 2018)